Pre-Pregnancy - Stress

The Clearblue Easy website says that stress is your enemy when trying to conceive. As you all know, I've been dealing with this for the past 12 months. And since a conversation I had with my husband last night, I think it is settling in how I need to be. You're right, Dad. I always gotta learn things the hard way, the long way...it's my way. In retrospect I always think why did I waste all that time being so worried and stressed? I could be pregnant by now! Nonetheless, I must have had to go through all that to get to where I am now. Each let-down every month has shaped this experience.

Last entry I was telling you about my HSG test in October which proved to be all clear. Starting cycle 12, I went on 50 mg of Clomid for cycle days 5-9. I was sure I'd get pregnant. Just knowing I had Clomid on my side helped my mental outlook. I even had 2 dreams back-to-back of reading a positive pregnancy test! I took my fertility drugs, I went in for the ultrasound to count follicles. I had 8. Three on the right ovary, and 5 on the left. The ultrasound tech said, "Are you prepared for twins? It could happen." I said, "Yes!" After all this I'd carry three if it meant I'd have a healthy child in 9 months. I went in for a progesterone blood draw 8 days after the (what I thought to be positive) LH surge. Goods news; 54.4. (whatever that means). The nurse said, "Take a pregnancy test in a week and let us know!" I was soooo excited. SO excited. I thought this is good! Progesterone is strong which means I can physically carry a baby. Then....last Sunday night, the Crimson Tide rolled in. Curses! Yes, I can't deny I was sad but where else is there to go but up, right? I cried to my husband last night that he just doesn't get it. He has no idea how I feel. Then I apologized this morning for being so over-dramatic. :)

On to Cycle 13...this Thursday brings Round 2 of Clomid, 100mg for cycle days 5 through 9. No monitoring this month because we are going out of town for Christmas but I am still to use the ovulation predictor kits. I coughed up the 50 bucks for 20 digital tests. Reading the lines on those things were adding more stress. Let the computer take care of it. I don't know if 100mg means more eggs to be released...we'll see!

I am going to Ohio to visit my family in a week. I am really looking forward to the mental break. Right in the middle of that first round of Clomid, I lost my job which probably didn't help my stress levels. I got some great advice from a friend, "Breathe, visualize, and the universe will take care of it." Brings me back to the dirt, rocks, and gravel my feet should have been on this entire time. I've started doing that and it's helping.

I'll leave here and let you know what happens next month. It is my promise to myself, and to you, that I will remain positive no matter how many more months it takes to have DJ Baby Z. Baby Z, you come when you're ready. Mommy and Daddy will wait as long as you need.