Pre-Pregnancy - Space

Posted by Kim
Written by Tink, friend of BINSI

"Inside my heart, there is a space. It twists and turns. It bleeds and aches. I am wanting. I am needing you here..." -Jewel, musician.

I am at ease with this aching space. Finally. I comprehend this elaborate process, more like a miracle, this journey of starting a family truly is. I look at my husband from across the lawn in his running shorts and shoes and see a child no taller than his knees toddling behind him. I hold my smallest cat, Tikki, and imagine a snugly, wiggly baby. I think about the holidays when the children are in their 20s...(and me in my 50s). Makes me want to have more than just 2 kids. J and I have said if it is in the cards, we'd have four. Yes, this miracle will happen soon.

Have you seen MTV's 16 and Pregnant? Whoa, talk about kids having kids. I find myself glued to the television. I feel disappointed in and simultaneously rooting for the teenage fathers that refuse to give up their social schedule. I talk to the televsion, encouraging their young minds eye to widen to the tiny human depending on them for everything. I find myself whole-heartedly sympathizing with the teenage mothers who do their best to finish school, balance their new family, and watch them struggle to communicate with their partners. Communicating with your partner is not always easy no matter your age. Throw in being 16 with an infant...the maturity just isn't available all the time. Would it help to tell your teenager, "Your physical body will be ready to make a baby way before than your emotional body will be. It is up to you to make choices about sex that direct to you down the path you and your partner are able to realistically handle." Or something like that?

I feel good these days and the space inside me that twists and turns and yearns for a baby still exists however its vinegar environment has been swept away. I am left with a soft space that sits patient; waiting and watching. An example when time heals. I can play superstitious sometimes. I needed to lose that. For example, "If you drink this cup of coffee, you won't get pregnant..." or "If you yell at that person in traffic for driving like a numnut, you won't get pregnant." No, Tink, that's just called pure insanity. Keep on truckin'....